The Quiet One

I have gone running only one time this week, which according to C25K during my first week I should be running 3 days, a day apart. Due to the weather the last few days (thunderstormy/lightning/scattered tornado watches) I’ve been cooped up inside after work. Today would be a good day only it is in the mid 80’s and my body isn’t reacting to the high humidity levels that well.

Listening to music by Explosions In The Sky – I vote that we listen to that at work because it is so peaceful and calming. I need peaceful. I crave it. When I get home from work, I somewhat dread it. Not that I don’t like our apartment (who am I kidding, my boyfriend and I hate it) but it’s a total wasteland. We have too much stuff. We’re not hoarders by any means, but the last thing I want to do after getting home is sort an area of a room and hope it’ll stay like that for at least a month. I’m partly to blame on this, because when we do clean/straighten up, it doesn’t last. We’re hoping by the time we move into THE BEST PLACE EVER things will change. As in, no clutter. Anywhere. During the moving process, I’ll be going through a major purging. I cannot wait to get rid of a lot of my stuff. Clothes that I don’t wear/no longer fit/not me; bookcase that I still like very much but it won’t match our decor. It cost me maybe $50 at Target in 2005, so it isn’t a big investment at all. It’s just survived all the moves I’ve made since then. I have a hard time of letting things go.

Speaking of letting things go… I recently read How To Forgive and at the end I was crying (it doesn’t take much, apparently) and commented to her post. It is very much like a weight being lifted off your shoulders once you do decide to forgive. There are certain moments/incidents/people that I have a hard time forgiving. I know… I know that forgiving doesn’t forgive the act, or the person but only letting yourself go from worrying about it. I’m an anxious person by nature. I worry almost all the time – I just can’t help it. The only time I’m not worried is when I’m sleeping (usually have nightmares though) or taken medicine to sleep/chill out. Or drinking – which that is rare these days.

I fear that if I forgive certain things, that it will be forgotten, that karma won’t work out and…. there I go again. Worrying.

At work, I still see myself as if I were in HS, a miss-matched dressed teenager who’s too tall and slender and not knowing what to do with her life or how to act, even around her friends. Too scared to raise her hand in class, fearing that she’ll lose her train of thought or that her voice won’t be loud enough for everyone to hear so instead she stays quiet, even if she knows the answer – when no one else does. I was raised in a quiet and respectful household. No one raised their voice, except our Mom – who was usually yelling at me to go clean my room. My former boss reminds me too much of my Mom, of how she used to be. I say former because they transferred me to a different department where I’m doing a sliver of my former duties and added a different set of jobs – which is totally OK with me. I really am grateful for my new co-workers though, I don’t quite know everyone’s names yet. They’re all really nice people + the area is heated. Bonus!

I’m still that girl, who’s afraid to speak up. I have always been too far behind the “trends” to know what looks good on me. I’m afraid of new looks, which is rather ironic considering just 8 or so years ago, I chopped off all my hair while in the USAF just so I wouldn’t have to deal with it on a daily basis. I’m weary of people trying to tell me what to wear when clearly it doesn’t mesh. I’m just really unhappy of how I’ve turned out to be. I’m still timid at times, near-panic-attacks at work over the dumbest things. I felt wrong today for nearly 2 hours while my computer was down and all I could do is just sit there. A part of me wanted to ask to go home early, but instead I stuck around and by the time I was due to go home, my computer started to work again.

I want to be thin again. Not that deathly skin-and-bones (yes, I used to be that. No, I wasn’t anorexic. It’s called Depression), but rather healthy slender. I know, it’s all talk till you actually go out and get it done. There is no magic pill or workout for results. It’s a gradual thing. I also realized to eat better, you have to spend more money to do so. Like who really eats five servings of fruits + veggies per day? I’m lucky to get one. Our fridge is possessed and freezes just about everything, no matter which shelf or drawer it is. About a month or so ago, I bought loads of cookbooks and crafty type books. I have yet to make one thing. I blame my laziness and lack of money too. In order to replace my craptastic laptop, I had to fork over exactly $353.09 at Best Buy – while the nameless salesman tried to sell me MS Office + an upgraded hard drive + Antivirus (which I found out during my transaction was a free offer anyway. Jerks!) + Their Geek Squad special + etc etc. I knew exactly what I wanted. No accessories or case or anything. Naturally, it was pouring as I was leaving and my sealed package containing my very-cool-lappy-top was getting drenched. I tried to shield it.

OK after all that, I need to eat some dinner as it is after 8 and my lunch at work was a bit lame/not filling.

Happy Wednesday Evening

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