I really should be asleep…

Instead, I am wide awake, online. I should have written this two days ago but my boyfriend and I are no more. Differences between us caused a huge rift of non-communication (on his part) and my urge of wanting to talk about it, caused it to fall apart before our eyes. It wasn’t meant to be – but it still hurts. I was the one who did it, but I couldn’t continue living like that: always hoping to get a loving text/IM from him, to make plans and to go out and do something. I refused to be that girl, who waited by her phone and waited for something to happen.

He accused me of cheating on him, or at least being with others while dating which never happened. Sure, there were offers but I always declined. I’ve been cheated on before, why would I put someone else through that? Even if I was unhappy – that’s not a good enough reason. Nothing would excuse it, nothing. Even after the breakup, he has jumped to conclusions and said I’m probably dating so-and-so on my FB page. I just have to laugh about it now and move on. Can’t take it to heart. If he wants to think that, whatever. I’m done worrying about what he may think. I no longer have to explain myself.

I thought I would feel better, more “free” but I don’t. I feel like absolute crap. It’s been an emotional roller coaster the last 48 hours – would explain my horrid migraines. I keep reminding myself, it is for the best. It is for the best. It wouldn’t work. We’re complete opposites. I’m willing to give and adjust things about myself (which everyone does in a healthy relationship) but he refused. I wasn’t about to give my whole heart to someone, but only to have it ignored. I’m sorry, but I want more than that. Much more.

The thought of dating.. now… isn’t appealing at all. Having to learn to trust again, all that energy for what? Only to be crushed or be the crusher? No thanks. Rather be alone. Easier that way. For the meantime.

I’m sure I’m missing huge aspects of the ordeal but at the moment, that’s all I can recall. I’m really tired and so I’m off to bed. Again.

Will write later.

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