Confessions · Indiana · Uncategorized

The Void – Explained

July 2008 – Around the time I stopped writing on here, was still with Eric and things between him and I were shifting in the wrong direction. At that time, he was very edgy and I was hesitant to talk to anyone other than him. He wasn’t abusive at that time, just verbally/emotionally tearing me down. He was going online a lot more then and going outside late at night. I didn’t think much of it, really. July 4th I ended up locking the two of us out, by accident but he of course, blew it out of proportion and called me “stupid and retarded” out in the open, where our neighbors/friends/family were all hanging out. I didn’t know anyone else. He yelled at me to go to a neighbor’s apartment to ask to use their cell phone to call the landlords.. so we could be let back in. Soon as they saw me approaching, they opened the door and handed me their phone. I was crying.

August 2008 – He was online more often than usual, and the nightly walks increased but I was beginning to notice a physical change in him as he was losing weight. Which was great, really. Soon the FBI was calling me, then the Indiana State Police and finally the IMPD calling me to find Eric or his whereabouts. They wouldn’t tell me what it was concerning. I was worried about if it was regarding his mom, or someone in his family was in trouble. Nothing to do with Eric. I didn’t understand. While the calls were going unanswered with Eric, he told me I needed to wipe off my computer. It being a Mac, I thought, “Why it doesn’t need it. Ever.” He proceeded to yell at me to get in touch with someone who could wipe it. I didn’t want to do that. I’d lose everything. His reasoning? It was being slow. Not for me it wasn’t.

14 August 2008.

We had just arrived home from work, it was so hot outside so I changed into a tank top and shorts, no A/C so we opened the windows slightly and turned on the fans for some breeze. I ordered some pizza online and paid a few bills via my bank online. Eric was in the living room watching tv. A few moments went by and we heard someone pound on the door. Thinking it was the pizza guy, early, but arrived I opened the door. It was two IMPD officers, in civilian clothing. They showed us their badges. Ordered me to sit down with my hands in plain sight and had Eric handcuffed, standing in the living room. One officer grabbed a chair from the kitchen and sat it down behind Eric. Then handcuffed his hands behind the chair backing. My eyes darting from his face then to the police. My heart pounding I thought it was going to leap out of my chest. I had no idea what to think. I sat up straight.

Eric turned to me and said “Don’t say a word, keep your damn mouth shut.”
I replied with “I will do no such thing, I’ll only tell the truth.”

One of the officers smiled but reminded the both of us to stay quiet. No one was arrested but wanted to keep it quiet. The first officer to come in, presented me with a warrent to search the premises for any property regarding their case: (Child Pornography – didn’t learn that till later on). So they confinscated my two computers, numerous cds/dvds/blank cds.. flash drives.. his laptop (which he swore had no information on it..), and his cell phone.

From that point on, it was strained. He felt foreign to me. He shouldn’t be there. I told my mom, hesitantly of the situation. She promptly told me to kick him out. Forever. I didn’t have the heart to do that. He has nothing. No car, no family here. I felt awful for him. As the saying goes, “Innocent until proven guilty.” In my eyes at the time, I thought my mom was being harsh. I called my dad and told him. Everything. He shocked me and said that whatever happens is my choice, no one else’s and he’ll come over and talk to Eric. I was convinced he’d lecture me and say that I’ve made a horrible decision in letting this man into my life and letting it get this bad, and that he should leave. Nothing of the sort came up.

The following days passed and Eric told me to not tell anyone at work about this. Told me to make up a lie, say my mom’s health has taken a turn for the worse and is in the hospital. So when I start to cry, everyone won’t think much more than that. So. Thats what I did. I was so ashamed to be lying to everyone I knew. Everyone who I could easily tell what was really going on in my life, but I was just too afraid to say a word. To anyone.

September 2008 – Didn’t feel like celebrating my birthday. Weeks have gone by but each time a car door slammed, or heard a door close, I jumped. I closed our shades, even in the night time, when it was getting cooler in the evenings. Just afraid of police, or anyone that may be lurking around. Ugh. On my birthday, the 15th, he had bought me a dress from Goodwill. Yes. Goodwill. I wore it. I still to this day do not like wearing dresses. I wore a pair of dressy shoes too, but he was adamant about me not wearing a bra. So. I had to go out to my birthday dinner wearing a dress I didn’t want to wear, w/o a bra and flats. I paid because he “forgot” his wallet. Like always.

October 2008 – The month was getting a little easier. A little. I just wanted it to return to back when it was, before the drama hit. We were getting ready for Halloween. He was dressing up as some sort of character from Final Fantasy (I think.. eh, personally I don’t care anymore) and I was planning on going with our next door neighbor and her son on his first Trick or Treating event. That afternoon though, Eric and I got into a huge fight. I don’t remember what it was about, but I’m assuming the lack of sex, or no sex. Since the whole thing in August, I didn’t want him touching me much less near me. I had been taking sleep aids to get to sleep at night, stay asleep. If he touched me, at least I wasn’t aware of it. My friend and I ended up taking her son out trick or treating as Eric stayed behind in the apartment. The countless money used on his costume (which he made) sat unused in the closet. I tried to tell my friend about my issues but I didn’t think she’d understand. She was also friends with Eric so the chances of our conversation being private were pretty low. I kept quiet instead. Once we got back, Eric proceeded to yell at me. I told him I’m not in any sort of mood for this mess. I told him I’m taking a shower, then going to bed.. even if it’s only 8pm. While in the shower, the light had gone out. Thinking it was just the power going crazy again, I ignored it until Eric had pulled back the shower curtain and slapped me twice on my face. I asked “What the hell is going on, why’d you do that?!? He hit me again and I fell, hit my head on the tub faucet and left there. Water running still, I woke up with the lights on. Thinking I had just fallen and hit my head, nothing made any sense till I dried off and saw myself in the mirror. Red marks along my cheeks and the back of my head hurt so bad. So bad. I wanted to cry. Instead, I took two sleep aids. Dressed in my pj’s and went to bed.

He never apologized, nor did I speak of it to anyone. For four days.

November 2008 – 4th. Election day. I never voted. I just wanted the pain in my life to go away. That evening my Dad and step-mom arranged a family dinner thing for me. It was for paying off my car and getting the title of my car in my own name. A family celebration of sorts. Eric on the otherhand, had different plans. He wanted to tag along.

All during our relationship, whenever I went anywhere he had to be there. If at home, talking to someone on the phone, especially a male, he had to be in the room with me. He went through my phone usage history. Calls, texts. Everything. We worked at the same location, and only one car, mine. If one of us worked, the other had to drop them off and pick them up. Simple enough right? Wrong. If he was working, I’d have to be there early, waiting inside my car, not inside the store for him, taking up to an hour getting to the car. Now if I were working, when he had to pick me up, he’d be late – but all the while texting me telling me to hurry up and get to the car already.

That evening rolled around and Eric said he really wanted to go. I told him its an only Family dinner. He wasn’t allowed. Its only for the car title. Nothing major. I told him to calm down and just enjoy a night away from me for once. To not worry about anything, basically. All the way there to my dad’s he was texting me like crazy. – When are you going to be home. Where are you going? How long are you going to be gone? How long will it be? I miss you. I love you. When are you going to be home? Huh? When? Tell me. I want to know. Etc etc. I turned off the phone by then.

Arriving at my dad’s and we’re all excited. Me more than them. Finally some time away from Eric. We pile into the car and drive to my favorite restaurant, and we’re all talking away about our day’s events.. the current news of the election and things. We arrive and get seated. I can sit down… relax…eat my favorite dish and laugh and joke around finally. Then my step-mom mentions something that stops all happy thoughts, though its not her fault at all. Asks how Eric is doing, as he’s just a bright young man.. etc etc. I feel hot tears form in my eyes and then they’re falling down and my parents’ stare at me as if I’ve gone insane. I then tell them what happened on Halloween. They’ve stopped eating. I’ve only started to cry more and tell them of how sorry I am I should have told them sooner or immediately after, instead of now. Expecting a lecture, Linda asks me “Nicki.. this is serious. I think the best thing is to contact the police. Don’t you agree?” I only nod at this point and cry more. We ask the waitress to save our food (we’ve barely touched it) while Linda is on the phone with my local police, saying we’re going to meet them at the station within a half hour to make a report.

Will update. Promise. Nearing midnight and my fingers don’t want to co-operate and type as they should.

The continuation can be found here.


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