So, what now?

Let’s take this into account. Now, these are just my opinions.. and if you don’t agree, leave. Do not pass go, don’t collect $200 or comment. Leave.

So, you think you may know that your life is going pretty well, until it isn’t. Red flags may flare up but you think that they are just signs to dismiss, that it’s nothing. It isn’t nothing. So nothing. I am happy, when I am home. Away from home, I cannot be myself. I have to shut my mouth, and my life away just to go on another day. At work, I am silent, at work I am anything but. At work, I am this shy, reserved, badly dressed person in need of a makeover, or some help in that department. I sometimes say what is on my mind, but I know better than to say everything, it could cost me everything. At home, I can relax and let loose. I am loving to my boyfriend (trying to be anyway – trying not to let my work stress get to me so much). I don’t want to be seen as this young woman who is painfully skinny and with no backbone. I am former military. I can handle TI’s screaming at me orders, and performing them well. Why can’t I deal with this office bullshit? The constant smirks, looks, comments of how bad of an employee I am. How the hell am I so bad, and why don’t they just let me go already? They know I don’t want to be there.

I need the paycheck.

It’s like high school all over again. I hated high school, at least the first one. The second one wasn’t so bad, as I was a second year senior (heard of Senioritis? – Well, I “caught” it during my sophomore year…) The popular kids picking on the not so popular ones, the nerds. It’s so frustrating. I’m going to upper management but nothing is happening. More like retribution against me with each word I speak. I’m not crying myself asleep, but it is so unnerving that this could happen. Period. Can these people just get over themselves already?

My manager. A big, fat, loud, sad, pathetic person. Same goes with my supervisor. The manager is worse, because she lets it happen. She is 29, making who knows how much per year, brags that she’s salary yet complains she has no money. She’s wasteful and foul. Belches whenever she can get the chance, oh and eat in the office. Food is allowed, I bring crackers and my juice but they bring their subs and make so much mess and the office ends up smelling like onions and whatnot the rest of the day. Disgusting. She orders me around as if I’m her little slave girl. Says things that no one should listen or pay attention to. Accuses people of doing things that they have never done. She’s lazy. Waits till the last minute to get things done then bitches when she runs out of time and makes me stay later to help her out. Texts on her cell phone all day long to her friends in other states and within the store, oh and to her supervisor who is just a few feet away. Also speaks in code so that I can’t figure out what they are saying. I know they’re talking about me.

Grow the fuck up.

The supervisor. Read above. I am not racist. I swear she is. She treats me like shit. Worse than shit, actually. Orders me around, even more lazier than the manager. While the manager is telling me to hurry up with my work (second part of my work during the day), the supervisor is only part way done with her first half and says nothing. Absolutely nothing. Takes a blind eye to everything, chalks it up to be that she is upset that her grandmother is in the hospital. Three words: DEAL WITH IT. Thing is, she has always been this lazy, even before her grandmother fell ill. Just no one realizes this. My co-worker and I have noticed it. We have to pick up after her each day. Whether it be finish up her work when she works the cash or paper side (btw – we work in audit…) or vacuum the floor (I’m usually the one who ends up doing this) they laugh at me whenever I have a terrible time winding up the power cord after I’m finished. Can’t get off their fat asses and help.

My mother is sick, with two TWO incurable diseases. And you don’t see me moping around, moving sloth-like at work, not getting things done, not paying attention. No, you don’t. I know to separate the two. I’m mature, get the fuck over yourself. Yes, it sucks.. but death is a part of life.. and most likely you’ll get the time off to go see her if her condition gets worse. Thing is, I won’t. I haven’t seen my mother in three years. Why? She lives out of state. And if she happens to get even more sick and ends up in the hospital in an even more serious condition, I most likely will not be able to take the time off to see her. I will try in my hardest moment to do so, but I probably won’t. Work has fucked me over the last six or so months, when my year mark came and passed. I lost all my benefits, my vacation time. I won’t see it again until this summer. So, go ahead and complain that you won’t be able to see your grandmother on her deathbed. But just be mindful of others, if that’s possible.

Bitch.

I am really not this hateful person in real life. I swear. Just that sometimes its good to let it all out, in a healthy way. Right? Right. Writing is my release. I suck at poetry, so you won’t be seeing any of that here. I can’t sing (by myself I’m pretty good), I haven’t painted in ages but I loved it, talking is nice… but it gets old, becomes a broken record at times and people tend to get tired of it, so why bother? Usually I end up typing my heart out, (pages almost) and once I’m done, I re-read it and then delete it all. Why keep it with me? I wrote it for a reason, to get it out of my head.

My boyfriend is so… supportive in all this. Really. If it weren’t for him, I don’t know where I’d be. No, not dead. Crazy… probably. Before he moved in, I was talking to myself. I wish I was kidding. Talking to myself at home because I literally have no friends. I have a close friend but we don’t see each other all that much anymore, though she only lives about twenty minutes away. I haven’t seen her in months. Now, this isn’t a pity party. I’m just saying the truth. And I really don’t want to think about this anymore.

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