As my history goes, I tend to deal with traumatic things quite easily, like things that affect me directly (ie: breakups) I just put on a cold face and go about my way. I'm pretty good about hiding my feelings, as everyone knows by now. It's just strange now. I don't know how to react to all the current things.
Anyway, so Royal and I have been talking about taking this one step further, having a relationship but not the relationship, just the physical. I'm still thinking about it. It just doesn't make sense. I always rather like to be in the relationship with the relationship-y stuff included. Most guys I know would KILL just to have the sex only, but I just can't do it. It doesn't feel right. Just thinking about the possibility just makes me sick inside and feel very guilty. I know if I tell him this it won't make any sense what so ever, but I can't do this. I just can't. There is no way I'd fully heal from anything if I did this. It's like half-assing a relationship.
That and I'm afraid it will make us grow apart. We pretty much had nothing in common when we were dating, so what's the point with the rest of it?
I didn't like it much when my friends and family would comment on the tactics I used after the breakup with both Royal and Chuck. I mean, breakups happen… it's a part of life. Rather it happen then, than later on down the line. I was already being heavily influenced by Chuck by the time we were breaking up. I lost a bit of weight, wasn't happy, we weren't talking much, there was almost no trust left. I think we were both afraid of the truth. I know I was. I'm not trying to play the blame game here or anything, just stating facts on my side. Whatever he wants to say/do is his business. I'm done "gossiping" about everything. Time to move on, people.
Since the breakups.. I have been gaining weight, working out more, pretty much on an even-keel as far as my emotions go. Basically learning how to be myself again, and it's so wonderful.
I finally have my own real room/space here. In the other place, I always had to share. Share the bedlinens. Always ride in his car everywhere we went.. I just wanted to drive a little. I think over time I developed cabin fever and I was really sad, just all the time. So glad I don't have that problem now.
I am off today (Monday) and well, I don't really have anything major to do except to scan and send some pictures over to my sister. Gotta figure out how to do that.. 🙂 I also want to buy a cheap plastic lawn chair for the patio. The weather here is so nice. Into the 70's yesterday and as well for today. I think I may buy the Harry Potter books, 5-7 er, 6. I get a decent discount at the local bookstore, so it's pretty cool. Also Gottschalks finally closed, so it'll make more room for Barnes & Nobles here, they won't open until November, but at least I don't have to deal with bad traffic to get there.
I starting up sewing again. This Thursday is Girls Night Out at my work, it's basically a fundraiser for the Breast Cancer Foundation. It's going to be pretty cool, six of us will be working that night. Haha, going to be crazy! Anyway, so the sewing takes part of it as it's titled as "Sew For The Cure" Can bring 9.5" by 9.5" block of pink fabric -can be designed- and will be sewn into this big quilt. The quilt will be auctioned off, the money goes toward the foundation. I hope it turns out pretty good. So, what I'm going to do is just draw on the block as I suck at quilting… and put my mom's and grandma's names/initals on it and say that they're survivors. In other news, I sewn up a pillow thing, the filling I'll have to get later today, but so far so good. 🙂 So much cheaper than buying a ready-made pillow.
Well it's getting a little late here, nearing 1am so I better get to bed.