Get Behind Me, Not In The Way

Yeah so I haven’t written much lately. Am I sorry? No, not really. Why not? Because well, I don’t have a fan base… and I’m only writing for myself really. So, sorry self. Heh.

Man oh man. My job hunt is going alright. Filled out about a half dozen applications, turned them in – and also completed a few in-store ones as well. I hope I hear back from someone soon. I haven’t really written about that because, well, I didn’t want to jinx anything.

I’m just not that happy at my current job. I mean, the people are quasi-great but I’m just sick of being treated like I’m an idiot all the time. Sorry if I don’t seem “all the way there” but I’m in no way doing that intentionally. I just have a ton of things on my mind. Eh. I guess it really isn’t an excuse, more like an explanation. I don’t expect them to come to me with open arms and say “Oh, it’s okay, everything is fine” because I know it isn’t. Each mistake I make is added to the “List of Crap” I’ve done, and I don’t know what else to do besides look elsewhere for employment.

I have noticed my energy level has gone down drastically. I just have no motivation anymore. And this isn’t just at work, also at home. It could be depression, who knows. I don’t feel sad all the time though, so I don’t know.

I still am having sleeping problems. Literally every night (or I should say each morning) I stay up until 3 or so AM because I’m just wide awake. I know I should be tired but my body just keeps going. My mind races all the time. I can’t get it to stop. It’s like that annoying friend of yours, who keeps talking and never shuts up. I experience that in my head 24/7. A friend suggested I take sleep aids, or talk to a doctor. Eh. I’m not a fan of taking meds and I have no insurance so therefore, more money out-of-pocket. I probably should go see a doctor, and get this looked at. Hopefully I can sleep like a normal person.

The Mary Kay thing… yeah I’m not so sure about it anymore. You make half of what you sell, and in order for me to make as much as I currently do a month, I’d have to sell approx $1800. That’s just insanity. I can’t imaging even making five bucks. My self-confidence has been shot to hell. I have almost no patience left. I get pissed at every single thing that goes wrong.. And it isn’t my sugar people, I have that under control. My roommate is getting upset with me – from my job situation. I hate telling him my problems, or anything in my life because what comes out of me seems to be all complaints, all negativity. I wish I could be positive… and just scream it. Live it. But I cannot.

I was unable to cry two nights ago (as it’s Wednesday now..). I wanted to so bad, but I was not able to. Like the tears, the feeling never existed.

I was in the wrong by making fun of my roommate over the weekend. On Saturday his friends came over right around noon to play Dungeons & Dragons. Now folks, to me… just nerds play it.. and he confirmed that statement. Anyway… TWELVE HOURS LATER.. after I came home from work around 10pm, they were still playing at midnight, then at one am.. then around 2 am they left. Anyway, my point is that I had no say in what he and his friends wanted to do. In a way, I was jealous because I literally have no friends here. I wish my friends or, friend from Indiana could visit me sometime, or vice-versa. That would be so nice. It sucks living so far away.

Anyway Royal, I’m sorry.. for calling you and your friends nerds.

And it’s strange too. Some friends at work (okay, I have like two friends there) have been asking me of how it’s going between Royal and I as we are now just friends but still living together. All I reply is: it’s different, but not bad. Strange in a way, too. There’s no mystery, we know each other pretty well.. Eh. I don’t know how to explain it.

I used to think that by talking about things, it would be in the open, and you would heal.. emotionally. This isn’t always the way folks. I need to stop talking about everything. And just pay attention to myself.

This book is awesome. I finished reading it early yesterday morning. Oh my.. it was just.. breathtaking to read. Okay, maybe not “breathtaking” but if you’ve ever been in the Military, or knew someone who has, and they’ve told you about it, then read it. Or if you just like the Military.. or reading about Military History, then there you go.

It’s going on 1am, I better go exercise (yes.. I said exercise). I stretch a bit before going to sleep. A friend from work suggested I try it, as it works very well for her. I hope it works.

Happy Wednesday.

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