Seasons of Love

To my family and friends who are not really on great terms with me, I have the following message for you: This is my life, and only my life that I am leading. Not yours. Stop trying to “fix” me so that you will love and accept me into your so-called perfect lives. I do not want your advice of how to better myself. I have always been the type of person who’s been a bit on the slow side. I won’t pick up on things as fast as everyone else, so don’t assume that I “get” everything you’re saying. Stop trying to control me. Stop trying to pick a religion for me. God will find me in his or her own way, you cannot force that. You’re only pushing me further from you.

I have come to realize that I have a decision to make. Be happy by living my own life away from family or being not very happy, compromising my feelings just to make my family happy. You cannot make up for lost time. It is gone. There is no time machine. There is only the present. Make the best of it.

I feel like I’m being alienated by my own family, and that’s the worst feeling in the world. I’ll go into that later.

Now that stuff is out of the way, I do have some other serious things to mention. I’m single. I will be for while, too. My best friend is going through a tough time with her family, please pray for her and her family, or send well-wishes, etc.

I’m trying to live my life on my own terms, but it’s hard when you’ve got a big chunk of people bringing you in the opposite direction you want to go.

Two nights ago I cried myself to sleep. Not because I was sad, but happy. I was happy that I wasn’t very sad about breaking up with Royal. Happy that I can finally be myself without others telling me things, demanding/expecting things of me. I want to be happy again. I want to not lie to myself anymore, and smile when I see my reflection in the mirror, and feel confident that I can survive without a guy.

Royal, if you’re reading this…you are such a nice person, you honestly are. You will always be a dear friend to me. We had lots of great times, but it was nice while it lasted. If we get back together, we do. If not, that’s okay.

I hope in a few days I’ll feel the same. Things always hit me a few days after the fact, and it’s as if a bomb hits me. It’s uh… bad.

Well, I’m going to read a little and go to bed.

Happy Thursday.


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