In the open

I’m no longer hiding, I’m done with it.

The ex moved out yesterday (thank god) but his car is still here, he needs to get that so Royal can park there instead. It was so much fun to park so far away from the apartment oh, around 1:30 this morning. We had an adventure to say the least.

When the ex moved out, he literally moved out all his stuff, and it was basically everything we had in the kitchen. It was all rightfully his, but it was just a bit sudden that he moved out so soon. Oh well. When Royal picked me up from work last night he warned me to not get upset. I, who was thinking like the apartment was up in flames asked, “what’s going on?” He said that the ex moved out, taking everything with him and so we’d need to go somewhere to get it replaced. So that’s what we did. Walmart, here we come! Three hours later, we got home to find the apt a mess. I mean, a mess. It’s still pretty disorganized, but Royal didn’t let me clean today (I don’t know why, really) but once I get up in the morning, I’m going to start getting this place habitable again.

It’s bullshit that the ex is placing all the blame on me. I do take blame, but there aren’t any victims here, buddy. God. He hast to own up to it too, or he’ll never heal from it.

My dad has all sorts of advice to hand out, but I won’t take it. I’ll listen to it, but that’s as far as I’ll go. He’s talking in the sense of oh, five years from now. I’m assuming the ex had all this moving all of a sudden to leave us with nothing sort of thing planned for awhile. I am just trying to not break down, and just deal with it. It will hit me soon, and I hope I won’t take it very hard.

A friend is dwelling on this issue like crazy and I just want her to stop. Dwelling on it won’t solve anything, just make me feel worse. She wants to know where the ex had moved to, I told her I don’t know nor do I care. He could fall off the cliff for all I know, I just don’t care.

We’re most likely going to move, and that’s OK by me, this place is expensive enough as it is. It’s going to be good – to move on to something positive – for once. I need something good going on in my life. The past year (okay half year) has been shitty. My self-confidence has been shot to hell and I just didn’t care about anyone or anything, not even myself. I stopped eating. I know, it’s really bad, since I’m skinny. I got really depressed, I mean, very depressed. I didn’t trust anyone (not even my best friend) to tell it to. I just felt isolated, honestly.

The ex is placing blame on me in the fact that I never asked him questions. Would you go up and ask someone something if they seemed pre-occupied with something or pissed off or has the look like they’re tuning you out? I don’t think so. I just learned to not talk to him. It worked for awhile, but it put a strain on everything. I would cry myself to sleep each night because I had problems sleeping (that’s another issue I’ll talk about later) and my thoughts would race a million miles an hour and I just couldn’t calm down. If I had told him about my very depressed emotions, who knows how he would’ve reacted. I just didn’t trust him as much as when we first started to date. He claims I hid stuff from him, okay I did but he did the same, so don’t play the victim, buddy.

Sorry, ranting.

My dad is only believing the ex’s side and that’s fine. He has that right. My mom on the other hand is so anti-boyfriend anyway so she’s all like “told you so” but without saying those exact words. I’m stuck basically when I talk to them.

Probably for now on I won’t lock my entries, though if you want the password for them (they’re all the same, or will be anyway) just leave a comment, I’ll email it to you.

Emily, the young pregnant with twins girl I work with is leaving us for Portland. Noo! But it’s all good. She’s going to have an actual wedding ceremony sometime in August so I’m hoping I can see her again then, or sooner. Since she’s moving to Portland, it’s closer than let’s say, Mississippi where her husband is from. Hehe.

It’s almost Friday, yay! I work on Sunday then, it’s gonna be a blast, I know it. It’s been way to freaking slow at work since the start of the month. We basically just sit/stand around and talk for the time we’re there. It’s stupid. I also got my paycheck/direct deposit tonight and it’s so sad… I won’t mention the amount, but it’s pathetic. I miss the Christmas paychecks, they were very nice.

At Target this afternoon we picked up some things we couldn’t find at Walmart last night or just spaced it, including some graph paper. So I can finally do my budget! Though, it’ll be on paper that’s okay. I’ll live.

We also went to the mall and went cell phone shopping. It was so funny watching Royal asking all these questions. “Why can’t I have a cool flip phone that doesn’t have a camera?” Apparently, they were out of the “cool” ones. Haha. Oh well, we got a great deal (basically a steal – it was amazing). He has never owned a cell phone before so he had no idea what they did, they offered and the like. I was standing there trying to explain it to him, but there was always a salesperson that said it way better than I ever could. They’re charging now, yay. I just hope he understands he can’t talk to his mom forever during peak time. Weekends people, weekends.

Well it’s nearing midnight, and I’m getting sleepy.

Happy Friday.

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