Face the music, or the firing squad

I woke up to the sound of light thumping/tapping against wood. No, no one was getting any action, it was a woodpecker, somewhere above our ceiling pecking away at whatever is left up there. We live in an apartment complex, not a house where I can go up into the attic and scare away the bird myself. I have to call maintenence and even then, it's a toss up if they can do anything about it.

I have 267 messages in my Inbox that I must sort through, otherwise my life will be taken over by… email.

I keep losing weight, or rather it keeps changing from a pound difference from 105.5 up and down, it's annoying. I can't seem to keep it one spot for long. Something always brings it down.

I hope what I'm about to do will better my life, not ruin it. Please, please, please make this work. I cannot afford another day living like this. It's costing my sanity and what's left of my pride and independence.

Wish me luck.

About my relationship, I don't know if there is anything left.

What I didn't mention in my journal, the public one is that I'm going to break up with my boyfriend tomorrow (today, I wrote this late last night). I can see it now, he's going to say something and I'll break down and start crying but I cannot let that stop me from what I need to get done. I am tired of being beaten down and sad all the time.

Enough.

What a joke. I'm reading some past entries in my public journal and wondering what the hell I was high on. But that's early love folks, it does crazy things to your head. I'm loved-out. Well, eh I don't know. I think I should just take a break from it all. I'm just not ready for anything serious right now. I don't think I could handle a true "date" anytime soon.

My roommate really likes me. It's plainly obvious, but I don't want to hurt him. I have told him it'd be nice to date him, but after I breakup with Chuck, it will be hard for me to think in that mindset for a bit. I'm sure it's breaking his heart, knowing that but I can't lie to him. Never have and never will. Always have trusted him ever since I moved out here in April of '05.

I'm not entirely sure what broke Chuck and I up. There can't be just one thing, there is never just one thing. All I know is that I'm no longer happy with him. Even when he got into port recently, and tried to hug and kiss me last night, I wouldn't let him. It just felt weird and unwanted. I almost started crying, because I knew in my heart I no longer loved him, I wished he'd just fess up and tell me he doesn't want to be with me. But no, it's always has to be me to break the ice.

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